a motherless child
by captainbellatrix
Summary: Ned Stark brings Jon Snow home to Catelyn. She cannot reconcile her feelings. 'It was hard to hate a child. It was harder still to love a bastard.' Catelyn centric.


Catelyn stared uncomprehending at the tiny bundle wrapped in Ned's arms with his shock of black hair and Stark grey eyes. He looked so perfect. Like the Northern son that Ned had always wanted. Nothing like her Robb with his Tully hair and eyes. Her firstborn. And, yet Jon Snow looked more a Stark than her own legitimate son. And, she hated him for it. It was irrational, she knew to hate a child. It was hard to hate a child. But, it was harder still to love a bastard. A bastard who served as evidence that her husband's eye had wandered. That her Ned was unfaithful. Ned, with his loyalty and his honour, had been unfaithful. She could not fathom it. Not of her Ned.

"He's my son, Cat" Ned was weary. He had appeared with Jon out of the blue and had spent the last half an hour anticipating Cat's reaction. She had stood silent for all this time. Just looking at the boy wrapped in grey furs in his arms.

The boy that to the world would be his bastard son. And, would always remain so. He could never let anyone learn of the truth. Not even Catelyn. They were newly married and happy but he could not bring himself to trust her. Not yet. Not so soon. Maybe, one day. But, for now the truth had to remain hidden to protect Jon from Robert. He knew Robert would not hesitate to kill him. Even knowing he was the last remnant of Lyanna would not be enough to save him from Robert's wrath.

Catelyn finally broke her silence. "Did you know?" Every word was pointed as she searched for the truth in Ned's eyes. He had never been easy to read. No Stark ever was but she wanted to know that he hadn't known. It would be easier that way. She could maybe forgive but she would never forget. Ned remained silent. "Did you know that she was pregnant?" Her voice rose slightly as she questioned him.

"No. Not until recently" Ned answered bleakly. What sort of a future would Jon have? He would be a bastard. And, it was evident from Catelyn's barely concealed rage that he would not find a mother in her. She was angry with him. She was angry with the boy. She had never been able to control her temper in front of him. It was one of the things that endeared him to this Southron lady. He knew it meant she was honest. But, sometimes he wished she would allow him a moment's peace. "He's of my blood, Cat. I couldn't leave him"

Catelyn gazed down at the tiny child. And, he smiled. He smiled at her. But, she couldn't put aside her feelings. She hated him for being the son that she and Ned had dreamed of for years. She hated him for being evidence that Ned didn't love her. And, he was only a child. How could she be so hard-hearted to hate a child? But, she felt only anger. "No. That would not be appropriate. But, most people don't bring their bastards home, Ned" Her Tully blue eyes were steely. "He's not a Stark" She said firmly. She would not be able to mother this child. She knew it in her heart of hearts. She would bring him up as was her duty. She would ensure he was well schooled. That, he had new clothes when needed and never went hungry. That, he brought pride to the name of Stark. But, she could never love him. And, she wished she could. She wished that he was her Stark son. He and Robb would have been the most perfect sons that anyone could ask for with Robb's Tully features and Jon's Stark eyes. "But, I will ensure he is always well provided for because he's your son" She was sincere to the extent that she could be. She wished Ned had never brought him home and ruined the marital happiness that they were forging. "Mayhap, you could tell me who was special enough to catch the eye of Ned Stark?"

"Thank you, Cat" Ned watched his wife take up her sewing in the special chair that he had commissioned for her on the first day of her marriage. She was unhappy. And, what woman wouldn't be? He regretted that he could not tell her the truth. That he had been faithful. That he had been loyal. "But, she was no one of consequence. Do not worry yourself" He knew that no one would warm his bed except for her. But, he knew that he had to remain silent for Lyanna's sake. So, he would accept her feelings. "I'm going to bed" He climbed into the bed that they shared. He knew better than to wait for her. She would not be joining him. They had only argued once before and Cat had avoided his bed for a week afterwards. He would make it up to her. She just needed time.

She stitched furiously. Her mind was whirling with the revelations that had been thrown upon her. Ned had a son. A perfect Stark boy. With his pretty black lashes and handsome grey eyes. How could she be so jealous of a mere child? How could this bitterness take such a root within her heart? She knew why. Ned had chosen another woman. And, that woman gave him the son that they had always wanted. And, she hated her. This woman. Whoever, she may be. Maybe, one day Ned would share the truth with her. She genuinely did not know what sort of woman would capture the attention of Ned Stark. Theirs had been a marriage of convenience and expedience. Was it really a surprise that he sought his pleasure elsewhere? It stung regardless. They had been happy. He had always been such a gentleman and they had settled into a happy routine. Not anymore. Jon Snow had evoked such feelings in her. He had cracked the façade. Ned was like any other man despite his proclamations of loyalty.

A gurgle woke her from her reverie. It was the bastard. He was still in their room, nestled next to Ned. Already, he had claimed her place. But, that smile. That damned smile. How could she hate someone so innocent? It was not his fault that his father strayed. Nor was it hers for being unable to love the bastard son of her husband. She knew that now without hesitation. He would be treated well and always have the comfort of this castle but he would never have her love. He would, for all intents and purposes, grow up motherless when he could have a mother. She could be a mother to him. But, that required more than she could give. She was not that selfless.

 **A/N Thanks for reading! Please do leave some feedback!**


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